Scribem

Engagements…Weddings…so many…

Feels good to be writing again now that I have finished Uni. The topic I want to bring up today is engagements and marriage. I’m sure that most of you have noticed that there are so many people getting engaged lately! It almost seems like there is a new engagement a month, and at least one wedding to attend per month.

It’s exciting to attend these weddings, to see the joy in the couple’s faces, to hear them as they make promises to each other to love the other person as long as they shall live. But a question that has crossed my mind as I attend these weddings is, how do these couples know when it is the right time to take the next step? How do people (well, the boyfriends anyway) know when to pop the question?

I’m not talking about ‘how’, like whether they ask before of after an expensive dinner, or at balmoral beach, or over some scenic lookout; but rather, how does the couple know that they are at the stage of maturity, or have the strength of character to embark on this new journey? In some sense this is not such an important question as most couples (like those our parent’s age) never went through pre-marital counselling anyway. Some cultures have arranged marriages even.

Some, in order to prepare, get some good advice from their friends, perhaps some from older married couples or even from mentors. But looking at the state of marriages today and the shocking divorce rates, it makes you think that there’s something deeper that’s wrong with relationships that not even pre-marital counselling can prevent.

Is being ready to get married a ’stage of life’ type question? Many ABC Christians decide to become engaged after they finish University or have worked 1-2 years in their career. Is it a financial question? Most work the 1-2 years to save up enough money for the wedding, honeymoon and of course the new place to live in (this ain’t so surprising if we consider interest rates ). I assume that these are the most obvious reasons people my age are getting married around this time period.

There’s nothing wrong with these reasons of course. They seem very appropriate. But I also wonder sometimes where these couples are up to in their ability to deal with conflict, their ability to deal with differences in personality and character, and how they manage when they perceive their partner to be unsupportive.

I guess experience comes with time. The longer you’re together with this person the more you are exposed to their weaknesses, the more experience you have in dealing with conflict together, the more you are able to differentiate the things that can be changed and the things that can’t (and to live with the ones that you can’t change), and to have the gentleness and love to seek some changes that would benefit the two people.

But time with a person can also be unfruitful if the couple do not work things out and learn from mistakes and arguments. It’s often easier in the short-term to suppress or wait for anger to disappear, just hope for things to be better again. Some say a quick apology or ‘i won’t do it again’ or do something to ‘gain points’ with the other so that things can go back to being ‘normal’.

In the long-term, these things can build up to become huge walls in a relationship. It becomes harder and harder to break down the wall(s). It’s hard to forgive or to start again (and then some poor marriage counsellor has to step in to ‘fix’ 20 years worth of build-up in 12 sessions haha :P).

There’s only so much a couple can do before they become engaged to ready themselves for the ups and downs of marriage. It’s an ongoing process throughout married life that two individuals can never really slack-off in. Even then, I pray that my brothers and sisters in Christ will have begun to practice healthy ways of relating to each other in their BGRs before they decide to become engaged.

May they be self-aware of their own weaknesses and be ready to admit these and to work on them. May they know how to raise and work through difficult issues and conflict clearly and lovingly. May they always grow deeper in their relationship with God and learn to entrust their weaknesses and hurts to him.

As I continue to look on in the pews of yet another year’s worth of beautiful wedding ceremonies, I hope that all of the couples that I celebrate with will be able to say their marriage vows with confidence. Come what may.